Boundaries will make it easier for you to dismiss someone or something that is wearing you down. Boundaries will keep you afloat in situations where, if you had no boundaries, in all probability, you would head into the abyss.  Having boundaries will also prevent you from allowing yourself to become psychologically manipulated by anyone. Having boundaries will keep you from abandoning your inner most principles.  Having boundaries will also prevent you from allowing the scars of love to turn into open wounds that you need to nurse for an extended period of time.

Boundaries can and should be used in many different types of relationships – family / professional / intimate / friendship – just to name a few.  You see, boundaries will prevent you from becoming avictim to someone else’s circumstances. And having these set boundaries with respect to your mate will also enable your relationship to become quite blissful, providing that the person you have chosen to make the commitment to respects your boundaries. These boundaries also act as a shield, or coat of armor.

Without boundaries, you will ultimately volunteer to help continue someone else’s bad behavioral habits.  And once you continue to allow yourself to accept bad behavior from your let’s say your significant other, you have placed yourself in the precarious position of remaining in a relationship that will ultimately fail. You might initially start out as a victim, but your continued acceptance of bad behavior is what will ultimately mold you into becoming a volunteer.

Without boundaries, you risk becoming a volunteer.  If you have boundaries, you stand a better chance of NOT becoming a victim!

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He initiates the conversation

It might be a stereotype, but it’s often true: many guys don’t take the initiative with plans, or even in a conversation. If a man reaches out to you just to chat, whether online or over the phone, and seems very engaged and like he wants to hear what you have to say, then chances are he’s into you. If he takes it one step further and suggests getting together, then he’s definitely interested.

He always ends up near you

You’ll know he’s probably into you if he mysteriously ends up close to you when you’re in a group setting. Also, if you see him looking your way after telling a joke or a story to see your reaction, you can bet he’s trying to impress you and checking how you’re reacting to his efforts.

He is happy when he is around you

If you notice he’s always positive around you, and seems happy to be interacting with you, it’s highly likely he’s interested in you. Also, when you’re with him in person, try to take note of whether he reaches out (in the literal sense, that is) and touches your arm or makes physical contact. Many men will intentionally, or sometimes unintentionally, make such a move on someone they’re interested in romantically.

He replies quickly to your emails and instant messages

With online dating, it’s sometimes easier to tell whether a guy’s interested based on how he is when you’re chatting and communicating. For example, if a man is responding promptly to your messages, asking you questions about yourself and adding positive emoticons or laughing with you, those are all tell-tale signs of interest.

For all intents and purposes, the idea that a man should make all the first moves is gone with the wind. If you’re receiving positive signals from a guy that he’s interested, but still not being forward, take the opportunity to ask him out yourself!

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A recent survey carried out by the online dating site cougared.com shows some interesting and perhaps not so surprising results. They interviewed a large number of ‘cubs’, mostly in their 20s. When asked what attracted them, the majority said it was the fact that an older woman was more confident in her body and mind.

This could well have hit on the major reason for the success of the cougar dating scene. Confidence is sexy, a self-assured partner is a great turn on and for many women this is something that can grow with life experience. Older women who are interested in dating younger men should be heartened that,  rather than more suspect reasons (only a tiny percentage in this survey were looking for a sugar mamma), their draw was their maturity and the positive attributes this can bring.

Many women over forty have forged their careers, had their families and really know who they are and what they want from life. This can be a real bonus to a younger partner, who may not want the drama of a relationship with an insecure woman of their own age who needs constant reassurance. Or equally is not ready for a commitment involving marriage and children yet.  Throughout history men have gained dating benefits from the experience and status that comes with age so it would make perfect sense that in a society where women  are increasingly independent, both financially and emotionally, that we can benefit too.

Other encouraging news from the survey is that by far the greatest percentage said there was no upper age limit for a cougar. It really does seem that slowly but surely societal attitudes are changing towards older women.

At last, there seems to be an increasing acknowledgement that a women’s worth doesn’t simply end after her baby-making years are over. In fact, many women feel more sexually confident and self-assured at this stage in their lives. It would be a real shame to let this go to waste so forget any out-of- date notion of being out of the loop at forty plus. It seems that there is plenty of evidence to suggest that this could be an ideal age to start dating a much younger man.

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What you are looking for in a man, may not be what you really want.

What I mean by this, is that the checklist that you have so perfectly crafted, may be missing some key characteristics that you didn’t even know you wanted. You may not actually want a guy who is as outgoing as you, but you think you do. If you realize on date number one that he is not an extravert, don’t kick him to the curb. Give it a few dates before you decide whether or not his personality is a good fit with yours. Just because he doesn’t perfectly fit into your check boxes, doesn’t mean he’s not right for you.

Every Date Provides Learning Opportunities

99% of the men you date will not be your “one true love.” But every man you date will be an opportunity to learn about yourself and how you interact with men. Whether it helps you change or further refine what you are looking for in a partner, or how to deal with a difficult personality, think of every date as an opportunity to learn about yourself. Who knows, you may go on a few dates with a man and realize you aren’t right for each other, but end up with a really good friend. And you owe it to yourself to explore every relationship before you cut it off completely. Don’t sabotage your chances to learn, and, especially, to find your love!

Stop Self-perpetuating Cycles That Can Hurt Your Chances of Finding True Love.

Many women get into a rut, where if there are no “sparks” or if every check box is not checked after the first one or two dates, the man is cut off. Does “You are the weakest link, goodbye!” ring any bells? If you seem to pick the same kind of men and your relationships keep ending in heartbreak, maybe it’s time you try giving men that aren’t your “typical type” a chance. It’s easy to stay in your comfortable box and never step outside of it, but if you seem to be picking men that are not good for you, the only way to break the cycle is to put yourself in situations with men that are different and see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised at what follows!

In summary, before you decide to write off a man give him a chance. What exactly does “a chance” look like? At least five or six dates. This will give you time to get to know him on a deeper level. True chemistry and love only happens when you feel familiar with another person, which can only occur when given appropriate time. Step outside of your comfort zone and enjoy the company of a man that’s not your “usual.” You might be on a date with Mr. Right and not even know it yet!

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I am guessing you are here because you are done with the sadness; but also because, deep inside, you have finally understood that your relationship is over, and you need to move on. Well done! I admire you.

My approach isn’t for everyone; just for those, who are smart enough to get a grip, put themselves together and earn the elusive title for the “Emotionally Intelligent”.

If the break up was the best decision for all involved, focus! This is about you now! So here is how you start your journey to a better future, taking one step at a time:

1. Change the name of that person, on your phone, to a distant nickname or to just initials. When you feel tempted to call (or when you receive a call) it will evoke emotions about someone, whom ‘you used to know’ as opposed to the one you ‘can’t get out of your head’. The smaller their ‘new name’ the better. (“X” “he” “she” “AB” “-1? “NO”). Well, you get the idea.

2. Change your ring tone, too. Get some upbeat tune, which puts you in a great mood, when you hear it. It is about expressing your individuality.

3. Delete or archive bookmarks on your browser, which you saved thinking of that person (“Our holiday destinations”?) and any folders you created on your e-mail labels for you two (“Lovi& Lovy”?). Look on the bright side, now you have much more cyber space for your interests (“MY next holiday” comes to mind).

4. Re-arrange your wardrobe to prioritize the ‘single look’. Believe me, you will be dressing differently to when you were together. If you don’t need it this season, pack it away and make room for those colors you really like.

5. Re-arrange your bedroom, move things around, enjoy it, take a picture of the mess, when you are doing it; start using some new bedding; get a new pillow. If you are in the mood, you could even re-organize another room in the house. Is it time for more natural light, perhaps? And ‘de-clutter’. Some things might not be relevant anymore. (You know what I mean).

6. Replace your playlist. Put in your favorite songs, the happy and inspiring ones! If you don’t have a music player, get one! And have it always close to you to deter unwanted or unhappy thoughts. Music is healing.

7. Block that person, temporarily, from all your non-priority online communications (chat rooms / Skype / Google Talk). You are not disappearing; you are just taking a break to have the freedom of keeping in touch with your friends, without seeing your ex’s name on the contact list.

8. Start using the “draft” folder of your e-mail. If you feel tempted to write, create a new message, without addressee or subject line. Write, as if you were sending the message. I can guarantee you that, when you are done writing all you wanted to say to that person, you won’t feel the need to fill in the “To” box anymore. Instead you will realize that you are better off organizing your workout schedule for the week.

9. Get your best friend(s) on the phone or Skype and have fun making a list of the reasons why that person wasn’t right for you. Don’t forget to also include the things you never liked about him/her, no matter how small. This will put you in a great mood and make you realize that your “idol” is also human.

10. Get a diary or a journal to document your progress. Writing about your changed surroundings and new positive attitude will make you feel in control. A good friend of mine found love at 64. There is someone out there for everyone. You just need to project the right energy to ‘connect’. Besides, no one is irreplaceable. We live just once.

11. Change the background image and the screensaver on your computer. Needless to say, change it to something, which makes you feel free, happy and at peace; a picture of that amazing holiday destination you always wanted to go to, for instance; or perhaps a picture of your favorite celebrity.

12. Join an online dating site. Yes, you ‘heard’ right. I am not saying that you need to go wild. Just feel the excitement of ‘being back on the market without commitment’. Enjoy hundreds of ego-boosting e-mails and even make new friends. It will give you even more confidence. (And plenty to laugh about).

13. Give yourself a cute nickname and ask your friends to call you by it. Hearing them call you by your kick a** nickname will give you ‘that new edge’. I was JLo for a while;) You should see the intrigued look on some people’s faces, when they heard my friends ‘jLoing’ me even at formal occasions. It was hilarious and I felt like a superstar;)

14. Start wearing a different perfume or fragrance. No matter how much you like (or how much it costs) the one you have now, this is a great time for a new scent; the one of the cool person, who is moving away from old memories.

15. Get a ‘new me’ accessory, which you can wear, or bring with you, most times (a ring, necklace, pendant, bracelet, a watch or even a small stone). Every time you see it, it will remind you of how strong, smart and confident you are. Have it with you for as long as you want.

16. Buy (and use) new underwear. Nothing like the great feeling of knowing you are changing from the inside out. You are looking after your inner self, even if people might not see it; what matters is that you know what you are doing.

17. Pump up the volume for 20 minutes every day and dance to your favorite tunes, on your way to the shower; or sing in front of the mirror. It is fun, healthy and it will also make you feel alive, fit and rejuvenated.

18. Start reading something new and fun, it doesn’t matter what (a new book, a new magazine, a new blog); reading distracts you, you could learn something, or it could even inspire you to start a new project.

19. Feel grateful for what you have, and remember that feeling every day. Thank, whom you must (God?) for your strength, creativity and patience; for your friends, for your family or simply for the music.

20. If these 20 simple things aren’t enough, then you need to have another conversation with yourself. But I have faith in you, and so should you. Try!

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The sabotaging behaviors in your relationship might not be a secret either. It may be obvious and in your face the way that, for example, your partner shouts at you or slams doors and storms out of the house.

What might not be as obvious to you are the ways that YOU sabotage your own relationship. You may feel justified about what you do. You might not think that your habits are what are really damaging your connection. And, you may even feel helpless to stop these behaviors that are potentially leading you and your partner toward a breakup.

Here are 4 ways that people often sabotage a great relationship and what you can do to stop the destruction…

#1: Lying
It is pretty apparent that lying is going to have a detrimental effect on your relationship. What people don’t always realize is the extent to which lying occurs in their day-to-day communications with their partner.

If you find yourself withholding certain information because you are sure it will make your partner angry or if you notice that you frequently say “Yes” when you really feel a “No,” these are also examples of lying.

“White lies,” half-truths and “He or she doesn’t need to know about that” will all erode trust and your connection.

Instead, pause before you speak. If you feel hesitant to be completely honest or to share something with your partner because you worry about how he or she will react, start with that acknowledgment. You can even say something like, “I want to be honest with you and I’m worried about how you’ll react. Please listen to me and let me finish what I have to say before you respond.”

#2: Stop listening
When communication shuts down, this is a sign that the relationship is probably in danger. We know, everyone gets busy and many of us feel like we have to multi-task our way through life just to get everything done.

One consequence of this is that people stop listening to one another. You might be aware that your partner is talking to you and you might even be interested in what he or she has to say, but you just aren’t listening and engaging with the conversation.

As a result, you’re probably going to forget, break agreements and miss important appointments.

There are also times when one (or both) people stop listening because it’s become too emotionally painful to really hear what’s being said.

If your partner is speaking to you in ways that feel disrespectful, it’s probably time to come up with some communication rules that you both will follow instead of just tuning out your partner. It might also be time to make some decisions about whether staying in this relationship is truly in your best interests.

#3: Hone in on what irritates and annoys
We’ve all been there. Maybe your partner slurps his coffee. Perhaps she chews her gum in loud ways. It could be that your mate has let his or her body go and is not as attractive to you as in the past.

When we notice something that gets on our nerves, that annoying attribute can become ALL that we are able to see. It can become excruciating to be in the presence of your partner when ALL you can see is that irritation or annoyance.

It might not be realistic for you to pretend that your partner does not do, say or look like whatever it is that is annoying to you. But, you can maintain the connection, love and enjoyment of your relationship when you remind yourself that there is far more to your partner than just this one (or two) annoying trait.

Deliberately look for things about your partner that you can appreciate and that you do like. This can help balance out the slurping, gum chewing, extra pounds or whatever it is you were previously fixated upon.

#4: Live in the past
So many people ruin a great relationship by living in the past. They act and react to present moment situations based on something that happened days, weeks and even years ago. They sometimes even treat a current partner to anger, resentment and expectations that relate to a past relationship and past partner.

What happens when you live in the past is that you miss out on so much. You miss out on moments of love and even romance with your partner that are happening right here and now. You don’t recognize that ways that your mate really IS making changes and trying to please and love you.

And, you can’t hear the information about what’s going on now so that you can make appropriate and effective decisions about your relationship and your future.

If you have unresolved feelings about your past (involving either this partner or a past partner), clean them up. Take some time by yourself to bring those feelings up and write them down on paper, cry and yell about them if you need to and then release them.

Make it your intention to notice when your mind wanders back to the past and return to what’s going on now.

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It is important to note that the breaking up stage can happen at any time within the other stages; i.e., at any time you or the other person decides to exit the relationship for whatever reason.

In all seven stages, you always have these choices:

1. Continue moving forward
2. Stagnate
3. Slow down or go backwards
4. Exit

By taking notice of the signals from your head and heart, you will be better able to interpret what your intuition is telling you. At each stage, consider, “What am I thinking and feeling?” Are you receiving conflicting messages? Is your head saying one thing and your heart another? This is often the case, particularly in romantic relationships. What happens is there is an agreement error, a contrast between your thoughts and your feelings. This is perfectly normal.

Just remember that you have your very own internal system of checks and balances. This system was designed to keep you safe. For the moment, it is temporarily out of order, probably due to stimulation overload. So, before making any decision at this time, go somewhere quiet’ the answers will come with reflection and focus.

Once the answer comes, you should act quickly so you do not have time to doubt your decision. You should never feel trapped or unable to choose what is right for you. If at any time you do feel this way, then that is a good sign that something is not right with the relationship. You then need to examine what it is that is holding you back. If it turns out to be the other person, you are probably better off leaving the relationship.

A smart way to make important stage decisions is to mutually agree on what to do next. After all, “if it is meant to be, it will be,” so you may as well start out making important decisions together. Couples who have good relationships know that it takes time to build their love.

They make a conscious effort to progress slowly and purposefully through each stage, enjoying the process, while allowing their love to develop naturally. Communicating with each other is essential to this process.

You should be open and honest about your concerns and fears, so that you can trust that everything has been said and understood by both parties. Even if you find that things aren’t what you would have hoped for, at least you know what is going on and then you can work on making it better.

Levels of Love
Most of us have experienced love blindness. We either think we love someone or do not realize until it is too late that we actually did love someone. You do not have to be blinded by love. You have the power to recognize it, but you must use smart decision-making skills to avoid making fatal relationship mistakes.

In this section, work on waking up your awareness so that you will act in “knowing.” The first step is to become familiar with the stages of relationships and the corresponding levels of love that you or your partner will most likely experience.

Relationship Avoidance Stage
“I do not desire love”
Goal: to prepare yourself for love
Characterized by non-interest
Meeting Stage
“I am open to finding love”
Goal: to prospect for the possibility of love in others
Characterized by anticipation
Dating Stage
“I hope to find love”
Goal: to pre-qualify for a potential partner
Characterized by uncertainty

(These three stages represent being single and the importance of using the “Screen-out” process.)

Breaking Up Stage
“I no longer have love with this person”
Goal: to let go of the person/love
Characterized by disappointment/relief

(Breaking up is a transitional stage.)

Exclusivity Stage
“I think this is love”
Goal: to further qualify the person to see if she/he might be a good match
Characterized by excitement
Commitment Stage
“I know this is love”
Goal: to close the deal
Characterized by confidence
Keeping the Love You Find Stage
“I want to keep this love”
Goal: to preserve the love you have found
Characterized by continuous commitment

(These three stages represent being involved and the importance of using the “Screen-in” process.)

The key is to consciously place yourself in each stage. For example, if you decide you want to be in the “dating stage” then be fully present and make a true effort to make yourself available for dating.

If, however, you find that your heart isn’t in it, and that you would rather avoid relationships, then you need to stop and consciously put yourself back in that stage. This will help you to stay clear on what you want and enable you to honestly communicate to others “where you are at.” Each level and stage of the relationship is a transition and involves psychological and emotional energy.

As you progress through each level, you will no doubt experience excitement and anxiety, hope and fear, arousal and dis-arousal, certainty and uncertainty, along with a myriad of other feelings. You will need to work hard at balancing the messages that you are receiving from both your head and your heart to most accurately interpret the incoming, overwhelming information—it is very easy to be misled.

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Is This Love? How Can You Know?

Ahhh… love! It’s what we all seek. Even those who already have it are continually seeking ways to keep it. But what is love, really? How can we know that what we’re feeling is not infatuation? What’s the difference?

If you are currently in a relationship or if you hope to be in one, this is a very important question. Distinguishing this difference can be very challenging since we can’t see love, we can’t weigh or measure it to see how great or small it is. And if you are highly psychic, making the distinction can be even more challenging because you may naturally feel as though you “know” the person. But if we want to have happy, healthy relationships, we need to identify our feelings accurately.

Infatuation is like a drug, or a form of madness. You are taken over by a whirlwind, you are consumed by thoughts of the other person and nothing else matters. Your life suddenly revolves around this person and you want to spend every waking moment with him or her. You are in a dream, dizzy with bliss. True love, on the other hand, is more a sense of friendship and respect.

The surest way to distinguish love from infatuation is to give your relationship the test of time. But while you are waiting for time to tell, there are things you can watch for. Here are 10 questions that can help you evaluate your feelings:

1. Can you be open and honest with your partner without fear of rejection? Are you able to be yourself? Or do you hide your weaknesses and try only to show your strengths? When you truly love another, you don’t concern yourself with impressing your beloved. Rather, you are more interested in serving your lover and you know that is easier to do when you are honest.

2. Can you accept the ways in which your partner is different from you? Infatuation is self-centered, thinking primarily of how the other person makes you feel. With infatuation, you see the other person through “rose-colored glasses.” But real love is rooted in reality and acknowledges the imperfections of another without judgment. It has a deep respect for the other’s individuality. When you truly love another, you want to know what makes that person tick, why they do what they do, why they think what they think. With love, faults and weaknesses of the other person are recognized and accepted.

3. Are you able and willing to discuss your differences with your partner? If you are your own person with your own thoughts, you will experience differences. Can you communicate about your disagreements lovingly? Can you “fight fair?” Love can step out of its comfort zone in order to address the differences in a relationship without harming it. Some of us have been taught that if you love someone you’ll never disagree, never be angry or argue. Real love encompasses all the emotions. The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. And it’s possible to be angry with, and even hate someone that you love. A healthy love relationship will allow you to express anger.

4. Do you care about the other person’s, dreams goals and plans? Do you desire his or her success? To love is to be actively involved with a person’s spiritual purpose. It is the choice to give support, nurturing and encouragement to your beloved’s spiritual growth and attainment. Real love seeks what is best for others and makes us want to encourage them to grow. It considers the other person’s happiness and well-being. With true love, your partner’s well-being is just as important to you as your own and you take actions to nurture that sense of well-being.

5. Can you see yourself going through the mundane motions of life and growing old with your partner? Infatuation is attraction, admiration, adoration… and is mainly based on physical, or chemical connection, while real love is based on spiritual connection – a common spiritual understanding and shared purpose. It wouldn’t matter if your lover lost a leg, gained 300 lbs. or got burned in a fire. With true love, you are attracted to much more than just the physical. You are attracted to the soul of the person. You want to see into your beloved’s heart as much as you want to touch him or her physically.

6. Do you feel good about yourself without your partner’s validation? Infatuation depends on others for validation. When you truly love someone, you have a genuine sense of security, confidence, self-reliance and self-respect. Life is complete with or without your beloved. You’re aware that you and your partner have different gifts. You approve of yourself just as much as you approve of your partner. You take responsibility for your own life and you allow your partner to take responsibility for his or her own life. You can feel complete without your partner.

7. Are you able to give as well as receive? True love makes giving of yourself to the other person as easy and as fulfilling as getting something back. The relationship is much more than what you are getting out of it. The give and take are shared. Infatuation is want, need, but real love is abundant and fulfilling. When we are fulfilled, we find it easy to give. We can give even as we are receiving, by utilizing what the other has to offer for our own spiritual growth. This is a most powerful form of giving for it gives meaning to the other person’s gifts.

8. Do you have a life of your own? With real love, you don’t live for the other person completely. You still have your own direction in life. You’re not afraid to “take your space” or to give some to your partner. You allow enough space to let the winds of heaven dance between you.

Other relationships, activities and interests continue to be important to you. You see the goodness in all people, not just your partner. Time and space can’t separate you. It’s impossible to feel unfulfilled when you are truly in love because you can always feel your beloved’s presence, therein lies the fulfillment.

9. How would you feel if your love was unrequited? Could you love the other person enough to respect his or her choices, even if those choices exclude you? Real love needs nothing in order to live. It is not dependent on being loved in return. With true love, you are more focused on the “now moments” of the relationship than on the future or outcome of it. Whether or not your love is returned is of no consequence when you truly love another. You may feel sad if your beloved doesn’t love you back, but it won’t stop you from loving.

10. Does your love endure? If love is true, the relationship will remain strong under the strains of life. The relationship is more than just joy and happiness. You can cry together, suffer together and even be angry together. But whatever your experience, the love will always remain. It is eternal. Infatuation will either develop into true love or it will die.

If after reading this you’ve discovered that you are infatuated and not really in love, take heart! Real love doesn’t try to force a relationship to grow. It respects its natural pace. But you can greatly increase your relationship’s chances of moving to the next level by learning what people in true love do and following that example.

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1. Patience.

• When you begin a relationship that you perceive as being a positive one,don’t rush it. You may be very pleased to see what develops down the road.

2. Believe that you’re deserving of it. Be positive and avoid negative feelings or perceptions about yourself. Know that you deserve to have happy, stable relationships in your life.

• If you begin to think negatively, you must turn these negative thoughts around immediately. Clear your mind and regain your self-confidence.

• Remember, positive attracts positive. When you think positive thoughts, you’ll be rewarded with positive results.

• You’ll ultimately attract positive relationships into your life with the positive energy you’re giving off to others. So be a good example of the friend or partner you look to attract!

3. Be true to yourself and others. If you’re not true to yourself, whether you believe it or not, others will sense this. Don’t try to be something that you’re not; this is a negative way of portraying yourself to others.

• As mentioned before, positive attracts positive, but negative attracts negative as well. Show others your true self, including your flaws. They’ll appreciate your open and willing heart and be able to form a strong bond with you more easily.

• Be genuine to others and allow them to see your true feelings and personality. Trying too hard to act like someone else could lead to embarrassment for you.

4. Don’t take relationships for granted. Remember to always give thanks for the valuable relationships in your life. They may not be as numerous as you’d like, but rather than complaining, be thankful for the ones you have now and have had in the past.

• By professing your gratitude genuinely, you’ll have an easier time attracting future valuable relationships.

5. Be honest. If you’re in a negative relationship right now, that will tend to keep positive relationships from coming into your life. Be honest with yourself and others. Make a conscious decision to either improve that relationship or end it.

• Honesty will pave the way for more positive, trusting relationships to enter your life.

As the old saying goes, “Nothing worth having in life comes easily.” Attracting positive relationships – and weeding out the negative ones – may not be an easy task, but it’ll make for a better and more fulfilling life.

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So, why should I write about making time for my spouse? It’s definitely not because my wife is always my number one earthly priority, though I wish that were always true. Perhaps it’s because I make a sincere effort to give my wife far more time than I ever did before.

I’ve been married for 37 years to the love of my life. Our children are all grown and on their own. They all live in states or countries far away from us. For the most part, my spouse, my job, and the Lord and His church are my life.

I like what I accomplish at Family Dynamics Institute for marriages, but the older I become, the more precious my time is with my wife. I’ve actually learned to love just talking to my wife about her life, my life, and our life together. Though I’ll never learn to love shopping (with or without my wife), I’ve learned to enjoy the time with her while she shops. We both enjoy visiting historical sites and museums and we both like to talk while working in the yard together, though that does not occur as often as I wish it could due to our erratic schedules.

Though our tastes in movies and television shows rarely coincides, on those occasions that we find we want to watch something together, it is a special time to curl up together on the couch and watch a show, talking about it from time to time, and just being close.

I often ask myself why I look forward so much to spending time with my wife now. I think it is because I’ve come to appreciate who she is in ways I never stopped to consider when we were younger. Now, I want to hear what she thinks about things, and feels about them in ways that I never used to even consider.

I’ve concluded that the important thing in terms of making time for your spouse is not so much a conscious decision to spend time with my spouse as much as it is a sheer delight to be with her because of how I now view her, our relationship, and the deep appreciation I feel for who she is and what she puts up with – namely, me.

I don’t mean to say that couples shouldn’t schedule time to be with each other just because they don’t spend enough time developing their relationship. I simply mean that scheduling the time becomes a joy, not just another thing to add to one’s relationship checklist, when you learn to appreciate and respect the other person for who he or she is.

So, how have I come to appreciate and respect my wife’s thoughts and feelings on a deeper level?

In 1995 our marriage was hemorrhaging badly. We took the Dynamic Marriage course that I now oversee. The course forced us to talk about things we had never talked about before. It caused us to dig deeper into topics we had discussed, but apparently just superficially. It taught me to listen, really listen to her thoughts and feelings. Those conversations and many since then helped me understand that the woman I married is a multi-dimensional, caring, intuitive, deeply thoughtful and feeling woman, and I am so blessed to have her as my companion in life.

I really don’t think in the last number of years that I’ve ever said, “Honey, we need to spend more time together. I propose that we double the time we spend with each other on a weekly basis.” Instead, I think that because my love, respect, and appreciation for my wife grew as a result of our many meaningful conversations, that I now spend far more time just with her than I ever did before.

Do I need to improve in this area yet? Absolutely. Will I? Probably not if I wait until I decide to make a conscious effort to increase the time. If my respect and appreciation grow for my wife, however, I think it will naturally occur, and I’ll be the better husband for it.

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